Letting Go of Stuff-Tip of the Month

May 12, 2008

How I Cleaned Out My Parent's 4300 Square Foot Home

It all began with a decision that was grounded in emotion. I wanted to keep my parent’s house in the family. My two brothers and sister had neither the time, not the inclination to keep it. So, quite simply, I bought them out.

The sale happened in July 2004. I moved into the house around September of that same year. Now all the time I was negotiating the sale with them, I was focused on one thing – keeping the house in our family. After all, it represents their dreams and hard work; that was my perspective.

So there I was, in this 4300 square foot home, surrounded by wonderful memories, warm and fuzzy feelings, grounded in love, and full of excitement. I also had damaged and rotted out balconies, leaky gutters, thirty-five year old shag carpet, and three bathrooms in which the showers and tub needed gutting out. And this list covers only a few items that needed attention.

Each of the bedrooms were absolutely filled to the brim (so to speak) with stuff; but I had a plan. It was to start with the big stuff, and eventually make my way down to the little bitty papers, books, and other stuff. Here is how I did it.

First, I contacted my siblings and gave them a date to come and get what they wanted. Next I opened the house to friends and others who wanted to take advantage of free stuff. Next, I rented large dumpsters and threw away broken furniture, boxes, trash, and other items. Then I hired someone to come in and gut out the showers and tub, and to replace a couple of the toilets. Everything was humming along well – until – I got to my Dad’s office. That is when, what I had been feeling in my gut during this process, came to the surface; and I got stuck.

Here is where I got stuck. When I began to go through my Dad’s papers, hand written notes, letters to associates, pictures of family, and the tens of boxes in his office, the emotion of his passing came to the surface. When it did, I began to attach the emotion of love and endearment to every letter, every hand written note (even though I couldn’t read the writing), and to every little trinket in his office. My logic was that “someone may need this…” and that logic allowed me to hold on to it. So I did.

I stayed stuck for weeks. Then I got depressed, because I was stuck and couldn’t seem to figure out how to get “unstuck.” Once I got stuck with one thing, it snow balled. I then began to hold on to his clothing, his shoes, and other stuff as well. Then I wanted to hold on to broken furniture, that my Dad never got around to fixing. Eventually, the house began to (at least in my mind) get clogged up again with stuff. I began to get frustrated with myself, and that affected my ability to deal with my business and other aspects of my life. Something had to change.

Then one day, a friend came by to visit the house. While walking around and looking at all the stuff, I shared with her that I was stuck. She looked at me and said, “Darren, I know a guy who wrote this book that may help you. It is called Letting Go of Stuff®.” Then she laughed and left. I was shocked that she had the audacity to hint at the fact that I needed to let go. But then again, she was correct. I was stuck and needed to apply my own philosophy. So I did.

The first step was for me to acknowledge being stuck, and explore why. Without acknowledging however, I could not have been prepared to explore the reasons why. Acknowledging is the first secret to Letting Go of Stuff®. This step sounds simple, but you may be surprised at how many people are in denial of needing to change. That is why; this is the most important step. Until I am ready to acknowledge I need to change something, I won’t. My friends and family can tell me I need to change. They can even have interventions to assist. But until I am ready to accept and acknowledge it, it won’t happen.

Next is to then realize that I will go through changes, trying to make the change. Because we, as humans, tend to naturally resist change, when we attempt to change something about ourselves, we sometimes become our own internal change resistor. Claiming change, yet unconsciously resisting it can keep you in this two steps forward, two steps back dance with your self.

The third secret is to manage and listen to your internal conversation. We all talk to ourselves. I believe the internal conversation is the most believed of all conversations. So it is easy to convince yourself that you don’t need to change, or let go of something, because you believe what you say – to you.

Paying attention to that conversation is critical. Becoming consciously aware of what you say to your self is powerful in that it will allow you to begin to change that conversation into what you want. Especially since you believe everything you say, to you. Think about it.

These are three of seven secrets that will assist one in getting “unstuck.” They certainly helped me to clean out my parent’s home. Which by the way, is on the market today.

I know, I went on and on about keeping it in the family and all of that. But hey, what can I say. It was my parents dream home not mine. We do have a dream for our daughter’s future. It is that she remains healthy, makes great choices for her life, is happy, and that she honor her parent’s memory in any way she sees fit. The same way I have done for mine.

Selling the house is my way of closing the chapter on this phase of my life. I will start a new chapter knowing that I did everything I could to enable the house being sold with dignity and grace. That, to me, is honoring my parents. Though it is really for me, it makes me feel better that in my heart; I am honoring their memory.

That is a big part of what Letting Go of Stuff® is all about; doing what you can to influence a situation by focusing only on what you can control, then choosing to move on with dignity and grace. That is the sixth secret to Letting Go of Stuff®.

Until next time…

May 2008

Pay Yourself First

In the mid 1990’s I read a book that offered steps for becoming financially independent. One of the steps was to “pay your self first,” above and beyond any entity or person you to whom you may owe money. That simple step was easy to write, easy to say, and easy to ponder, but the true application of that simple step can be challenging for many.

Today, I have been able to apply that concept in other ways as well, aside from financial independence, or the pursuit thereof. The notion of paying yourself first can also be applied to loving and forgiving. Sometimes to love and forgive ones self is a payment of a different kind, and the value is priceless.

I learned as I attempted to perfect the art of letting go of stuff, that to let go of a habit, internal program, or to change your attitude toward someone or something, the first place to begin is with the person in the mirror. And by the way, I have not perfected that art of letting go of stuff for it is a never-ending process of learning that will last a lifetime.

Paying yourself first, when it comes to forgiveness means – starting with you. Forgiving your self is the only way that you will be able to forgive any one else. Seriously. It is true.

Letting go of stuff includes forgiveness. Walt Kelly, in a 1970 Pogo comic strip wrote, “we have met the enemy, and he is us.” I interpret that to mean that we must first point fingers at us, before pointing them at anyone else. Constantly asking, what was my role in this situation? What was my role in the failure of this relationship? What was my role in the altercation with that person? What was my role as I argued with that person? The list of phrases and situations to articulate in forming the end of the question, “what was my role…” is endless.

Just as we should be responsible for our role, we must also be willing to forgive our selves for our part, particularly if the outcome of a particular situation was unwanted.

Begin with you. Forgive yourself first. Love yourself the most. By doing these things, you will in effect, pay yourself first.

How do you forgive yourself? It is just as simple as financially paying yourself first. You must love yourself enough to do so. You must make a sacrifice. You must change your thought patterns. I will give you some steps for forgiving your self. But first let me talk a little more about this whole forgiveness thing, ‘cause it is important.

Forgiving yourself is crucial to forgiving others. According to Harvey Mackay, if you want to get even with someone, then forgive and really get them back. Forgiveness allows you to move from a place of pain and suffering to a place of peace and harmony. For many, holding on to pain, anger, frustration, resentment, and the like is slowly eating away at your mental and spiritual being, and eventually will destroy your physical being. So forgive, and begin with you.

Here are some steps that will put you on the path for self-forgiveness.

This process of forgiving my not always be easy, but it is definitely worth it. You may find that you will be spiritually fed if you allow yourself to experience this or some other process of self-forgiving. Forgiving allows you to become better at the art of letting go of stuff, which then allows you to move forward in your life. So pay yourself first and forgive the one who matters the most – you.

Stay At Your Best...
********************
Darren L. Johnson
The Letting Go Pro

April 2008

15 Tips For Letting Go of Stuff and Living Longer (in no particular order).

January 2008

Develop A Relationship With – YOU!!

HONEST

three questions

1. What do you really want to do with your life?

2. When was the last time you truly answered question 1 for yourself?

3. When was the last time you dreamed about your future?

“GETTING TO KNOW HERSELF,”

Letting Go of Stuff™ is about getting to know your self.

September 2007

Acknowledge Your Stuff

SOMETHING THAT WORKS

LOTS

BELIEVE

WHAT ABOUT YOU?

WHAT CHANGED MY LIFE

The key is to ACCEPT AND ACKNOWLEDGE that you have stuff.

DEFINE STUFF

The MOST POWERFUL conversations you will ever have, are the ones you have with your SELF.

theologian Martin Luther.

“Faith is permitting ourselves to be seized by the things we do not see.”

not a sign of weakness, but of strength.

Do you love self?

For example

The fact is that we are love, we were all created out of love, the Universe/God is love, so therefore loving one’s self is part of the natural order of things.

Letting Go of Stuff™ is also about getting to know your self.

first develop a relationship with SELF

Use your courage to face your STUFF, acknowledge your STUFF, and then begin the process of Letting Go of Stuff.™

AND

June 2007

Question:

How do I LET GO of personal disappointments in my career and not take it out on my family?

The Letting Go Pro’s Response:

This is a great question because many people have trouble separating what happens at work with what happens at home. Being able to understand and apply the secrets to Letting Go of Stuff™ can really come in handy during the drive (or ride if you take the subway) from work to home.
There are two periods in which we hold on to disappointments at work:

During that immediate trip from work to home at the end of the day after experiencing a disappointment.
On a continuing basis as we replay the disappointing situation in our minds eye. Often we replay situations for many months and even years after they happen. It is possible to let them go and not remain in a rut. It is extremely important not to bring these disappointments home and allow them to destroy the peace and harmony that exists there. Home should be the place where you find refuge from the challenges and stress related to work.

BELOW are TIPS I use for Letting Go of Stuff™ related to disappointments at work. I will offer suggestions for the immediate ride home after work, and then overall suggestions for letting go of stuff related to past disappointments at work. Generally, the first Letting Go of Stuff™ step for dealing with past disappointments is to:

Recognize and acknowledge that you have this stuff/challenge and tend to take out your frustrations from work, on the family. Once you "catch yourself in the act" of being frustrated at home, you can begin to change/manage that behavior, or let it go.

For the daily journey back home after experiencing a disappointment at work you can:

Use deep breathing techniques for at least three minutes shortly after you get underway.
Spend five minutes seeing yourself, in your minds eye, doing what will make you happy, peaceful, and joyous once you get home. This is important as it allows you to begin to truly transition from the work environment to home.
Read, play your favorite music, or do whatever you can to continue to transition. Some may call home and talk to their significant other and/or children; others may call friends to catch up. Do whatever will relax you and help you to transition. OR use the Fun Stuff on our website.
Finally, resume visualizing yourself being at home, doing what you want to do for that evening. Do this for the rest of the journey to the house.

Overall, when it comes to Letting Go of Stuff™ related to past disappointments at work:

Try not to PERSONALIZE what happens at work. More often than not, decisions made that affect you, are not specifically about you. You must be mindful of this at all times. Otherwise you will end up personalizing everything that happens at work, and that is unhealthy.
Use the Self Managing Grid™ to help you to remember to focus energy, time, and action on what you can control. The grid is a personal development tool designed to help one, in a moment’s notice, consciously choose to let go of what cannot be controlled. This grid has helped thousands to move beyond the emotional impact of past experiences. I designed it years ago and have dedicated an entire chapter in my book to the grid. Learn More.
The grid also helps one to STAY FOCUSED on taking positive action. In other words, don’t let one disappointment keep you from continuing to be as honest, pleasant, and uplifting as possible at work. One way to maintain this is to never give up on accepting challenges to advance your self. Always set goals to be better as an employee at completing projects, meeting deadlines, and the like. You may find that actually setting goals to do this will keep you focused on moving forward rather than stuck in a rut. This is a PERSONAL CHOICE and COMMITMENT you must make to the most important person in your life – you.
If there is someone at home who can help, then ask this person to support you in not bringing “stuff” home. I call this person the “STUFF SPOTTER.” This person has your best interest at heart and can lovingly identify, or spot, you bringing work frustrations home. This person can say to you, “Honey, you have to let that stuff go, you are home now.” Most importantly, you have to be willing to allow them to say this and you not react defensively - otherwise, getting the support will not work.
A big part of effectively Letting Go of Stuff™. is to maintain a balance among the various activities in your life. For example, I have to make sure I force myself to take vacations, otherwise, because I love what I do, I will work all the time. Work for me is different because I love what I do, so it does not feel like work. But for many, that is not the case. Therefore, balance is most important. It is critical to set goals in other aspects of your life so you can spend time thinking about and participating in activities not associated with work. Doing this also represents a level of commitment to – self.
Finally, what works well for me, and I also recommend it to my clients, is to keep a personal journal. In the journal you can release, through writing, some of your frustrations related to disappointments at work. And over time, you can track your reactions to and feelings surrounding these situations. Tracking your reactions and feelings allows you to (among other things) set goals to change how you respond to future situations at work. I am always surprised when I read in my journal how I reacted to a situation in the past, and then read how I responded to a similar situation much later after attempting to make a change in my response. It is empowering to see yourself grow as you let go of old unwanted habits and take on new desired behavior – on purpose.

Although these are not the cure all, the suggestions can certainly help one to let go of past disappointments at work, and not take the frustrations home to the family. I use them in my personal life, as well as with my clients whom I coach.

These steps work; however, I refer to these and the seven steps to Letting Go of Stuff™. as secrets not because we don’t know about them, but because we do not do them. In other words, we treat them as though they are secrets, when actually; they are there for us all to apply at any time.

************************************

May 2007

Don't Hold On To Grief In The Work Place by Darren L. Johnson

Identify the reason for grieving - for example - loss of family members, co-worker, and the like. Sometimes the not so obvious reasons cause us to grieve without realizing it. For example, if one is terminated from a previous employer – that person may come into the next (new) job feeling sad, and grieving over the loss of that previous job. Another example, people may grieve over the loss of a department, due to downsizing, and still some may grieve from the loss of a co-worker – not from death – but because that person left the company unexpectedly. There reasons to grieve are many. The key is to first identify the reason for the grief, if possible, because that will determine what needs to happen to help work through the grief.
Identifying the reasons also allows you to begin to accept and acknowledge the situation and your feelings. This is part of the first step in Letting Go of Stuff that may be causing the feelings of grief.
Make sure you have someone you trust in the work place, whom you can talk to in confidence. If that situation does not exist, then make sure there is someone outside the company you can talk to and share how you are feeling. It doesn’t have to be a counselor, but just someone who cares enough to listen without judgment.
Take advantage of the employee assistance offered at work. These programs are designed to help on to work through any grief and depression one may be experiencing.
Know who “not to talk to” about your feelings and situation. Talking to the wrong people, or to too many people in the work place could leave on open to criticism, judgment, and sometimes ridicule. So think carefully about whom you confide in.
Don’t blame your self for what has happened, and for experiencing the grief. You have a right to feel the way you do and cannot process through this time until you allow yourself to experience the feelings associated with it.
Do not take on any feelings of guilt about grieving. Again, it is your right to feel the way you do. And for goodness sakes don’t let anyone make you feel as though something is wrong with you because of what you are experiencing.
If you have time off – vacation, sick time, and/or personal days – take them if you are getting a gut feeling you should. Don’t ignore that feeling, it is there for a reason. So act on it as soon as you can. By honoring this feeling and need to take authorized time off, you will protect yourself from burnout, depression, and other challenges that could mount while at work. But remember that when at home, take the steps to move forward with your life as you work through this period.
Love yourself, be good to yourself, and if you have a personal journal – write in it.

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